Memories Consume
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: Just a story exploring Ryuu’s psyche, exposing all the dark secrets that could possibly be lurking beneath that innocent face.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a story exploring Ryuu's psyche, exposing all the dark secrets that could possibly be lurking beneath that innocent face.**

Title: Memories Consume

Chapter one

Ryuuichi's POV:

Holding onto Kumagoro, I stared at the blank screen of the plasma TV, wondering if I should turn it on—the show I usually watched would be on soon, and I never missed an episode. But somehow, I didn't feel like watching it today. That happens a lot to me, changing my mind like that—how many things did I completely love one day and dismissed indifferently the next?

Too many.

Sighing I stood and left the room, wandering aimlessly around the apartment—I really wanted a house to myself rather than an apartment, but there's not much room in Japan for many houses, plus Tohma made the point that I moved around too much to get a house. Apartments were better since they were made for more temporary tenants--that's what he told me, and I knew he was right—I easily got bored with where I lived and often decided to move on a whim.

My tastes changed so often and so impulsively that I don't even remember what I liked the week before.

Only one thing ever remained constant in my life, and that was Kumagoro. I never got tired of having him around, having him to hold; he provided the only anchor in my life, the only thing that kept my thoughts from wandering back.

Wandering back…back to before Nittle Grasper, before I met Tohma, Noriko…before I even knew I could sing.

Suddenly I felt my eyes water and my body tremble—I needed to get my thoughts off of the past, away from the darkness before my singing career. I needed someone, anyone, to focus on—

"Kumagoro, are you hungry? I'm hungry, let's get some food na no da." I grinned at the plushie, relieved I always kept him around—if he wasn't around I would…_no don't even think about it, Ryuu-chan, focus on food, on Kumagoro and food._ I swallowed and headed toward the kitchen, pushing the voice from my mind.

"What's Kumagoro-chan wanting to eat na no da? Cereal…pancakes…." I looked through the cabinets and fridge, picking out things I could easily make. "…I don't feel like making anything, Kumagoro, why don't we order out?" I mumbled feeling the hunger pains and growls from my stomach—I never felt full, I always needed something to chew on, something….

_Old habits die hard._ That voice again, I shivered, shaking my head furiously to block out the memories struggling to emerge. _Old habits are extremely _hard_ to break._

"Stop that, it wasn't habit, it was necessary." I shook my head again, holding tightly to Kumagoro—I hated that voice in my head, it always tried to bring up the past.

_Why are you ashamed then? _The voice chuckled, more overpowering than usual. _Why do you hide it? Why are you a coward running away from the memories?_

"Stop. Please, stop." I clung tightly to Kumagoro and sat down, trying hard not to let the tears fall, trying harder to not let the memories rise up.

No luck.

Yells, cries, bodies, sweat; everything was a blur in my vision, a vision clouded by the images of the past. Images getting clearer and clearer, more realistic and…and sickening.

I gulped when the image of a room with dark grey walls pushed itself to the forefront, dark grey walls and a single window with glass painted black.

_No…_I didn't want to remember that place, I didn't want to return to those memories.

_Weakling, idiot, you're ashamed of it, look at yourself!_

The images instantly vanished and I was left staring into my reflection in a mirror—_when did I get here?_ I gaped, trembling as I tried to remember when I left the kitchen, but all I saw were those memories and the voice.

_Look at yourself!_ The voice once again screamed, not quieting until I focused on my reflection.

"Oh God!" I gasped, bringing my trembling fingers to my face where a bloody mark was—I wiped it away with my fingers, relaxing my breath when I didn't find a cut under it. Then I saw the blood on my arm. "No." I swallowed bringing my focus on the white flesh of my forearm.

A collection of cuts marred my skin, covered with dry and wet blood, sticky, vibrant red. I felt the ghostly feel of blood flowing down my arm even though most of the bleeding had stopped—_how long did I black out this time?_

"God." I sobbed, holding my bloody arm against my chest, "Not again. Nnn…Kumagoro, where are you na no da? Where are you?" I looked around the room, and found I couldn't stand up any longer. I wobbled and fell back against the wall, my legs trembling as I tried to ease myself to the floor. That's when I looked at my other arm and saw the blood flowing freely from it—and not stopping.

The blood flowed and formed in a puddle on the bathroom floor, zapping the warmth from me.

"I'm cold." I whimpered, tears falling from my eyes, my wrists hurting, and the memories flashing again through my mind. "Please no, no…I want Kumagoro, Kumago…."

I collapsed, darkness consuming me.

_A/N: End of chapter, guess it's a cliffhanger, though that's mostly because I don't know what to write next. But I am going to continue this story, and try to finish it—I'm not that good at keeping up with finishing my fics though—I have over eighteen fics and only two are finished. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Memories Consume: Chapter two**

**Ryuuichi's POV:**

I awoke to bright lights, in a room with white walls and machines that beeped monotonously until something went wrong, and then they'd beep annoyingly shrill.

I was on a hospital bed and heard voices at the door, but I couldn't make them out right then. I didn't want to think of anything except where Kumagoro was—I wanted Kumagoro. But I was too tired to get up; plus I quickly noted that my arms were tied to the bed—a precaution to prevent me from hurting myself.

_You're back here again._ The voice hissed, _How many times has it been now?_

'Shut up.' I mumbled, unsure if I said it aloud or in my head; not that it mattered, the voice never listened.

_Ah, don't be like that. It'd be nice to be cared for closely again, ne? You miss that, ne? _The voice purred, captivating my attention so I barely saw someone move closer to the bed. The voice completely drowned out when I felt someone place their hand on my forehead.

"Ryuuichi, are you awake?"

I focused on the audible voice rather than the one in my head, recognizing it as Tohma's.

"Tohma…."

"What happened, Ryuu? Why again? Why did you hurt yourself?" Tohma's voice sounded like it was breaking, and I saw tears in his eyes. Inside I flinched seeing the hurt, the unanswered questions in his eyes—I caused it, I hurt him.

"I don't…." One look in his eyes and I knew he wouldn't take me answering 'I don't know' again, it'd been too many times over the years for that lie to suffice. "I…don't even remember doing it." I admitted feeling the tears well in my eyes, and I saw his eyes widen. "I blacked out and the only thing I remember was being in the bathroom with blood on my arms, I don't remember even walking to the bathroom." Tears fell from my eyes as I confessed, my heart hurting, but strangely it felt better to tell someone else.

"Ryuu…have you….those other times, did you…black out during them as well?"

I merely nodded eyes blurry from tears.

"Ryuu, you should have said so before. God."

"I'm sorry, Tohma. I…." My words caught in my throat, then the voice returned.

'_Going to tell him, are you? Tell him everything then, tell him what really happened before he met you. Tell him.'_

'No, leave me alone. I don't want to listen to you anymore.'

'_Why not? I got you through life all right didn't I? I helped you escape that life when it became too much. You should thank me.'_

'No, go away.'

'_Tell him. Tell him everything, about the house, the room, the streets—heh, do you still remember the taste of---'_

'SHUT UP!'

"Ryuuichi!" I snapped back to reality upon hearing Tohma shout my name, shaking me, his face contorted in fear for me.

"Tohma…."

"Ryuu, what happened? You started thrashing about, and wouldn't answer me, and kept mumbling the word 'no'." Tohma's eyes were wide as he spoke, his hands shaking—something I noticed because he held onto my hand. "What was that about? What's…."

"Tohma, I want Kumagoro, where is he?" I whimpered, wanting the only thing that ever kept the voice away, too exhausted to answer his questions.

"You don't remember anything that happened, do you?" Tohma closed his eyes briefly as I stared at him, only caring about getting Kumagoro.

"Tohma, I…."

"You wrecked your apartment, Ryuuichi, when you blacked out. You destroyed all your possessions including…."

"NO!" I shook my head furiously, my body beginning to shake again. "I want Kumagoro, give me Kumagoro!"

"Ryuu, settle down Ryuu." Tohma held me down while I shouted, his hands on my shoulders. "Ryuu, if you keep shouting, the doctor will kick me out."

"But I need Kumagoro, Tohma." Tears fell from my eyes again as I lowered my voice, anxious not to be left alone. "I need him, Tohma."

"Why? Why do you need Kumagoro for comfort when I'm here? I'll stay here as long as you need me to. I won't leave you, Ryuu." Tohma brought his left hand to my right cheek, wiping away the tears. "Can't I comfort you instead?"

"But, you…."

'_Tell him he can't. Tell him since he's human he can't. People always are selfish even when they're kind.'_ The voice surprised me by its suddenness, stopping my words before I could even think them. _'Kumagoro never let him down, tell him that. Tell him Kumagoro's the only one you trust. The only one who's body you can't be afraid of.'_

'Stop, please.' I meekly resisted the voice, too tired to fight any longer. This time I was able to remain focused on Tohma, the feel of his hand on my cheek kept me from drowning in the voice.

"Ryuu, relax. You're beginning to thrash again, focus on me, Ryuu." Tohma urged, still caressing my cheek when he saw it helped me focus. "Don't zone out on me again."

"Tohma, I really need Kumagoro, I can't keep the voice away without him." My lips trembled as I said that, finally confessing the other reason for these episodes.

"Voice? Ryuu, what voice?"

"In my mind." I mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. "I hear it before each time I black out." I struggled to focus on the comfort his touch brought before continuing. "I know it's not real, but…I…I can't help listen to it. Then I black out. Only when I have Kumagoro can I ignore it."

Tohma's hand stopped caressing my cheek as he took in a deep breath, steadying himself from hearing my words.

"Tohma, you're not upset, are you? I don't mean to…I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Ryuu. Don't worry." He rubbed my cheek again, and suddenly I felt very drowsy and fell slowly to the quietness of sleep.

**Third Person Narrative POV:**

Tohma watched as the singer fell asleep from the sedative the doctor had just given him without Ryuu being aware. His heart felt like breaking seeing his friend on the hospital bed, bandages on his wrists, and after hearing the confessions, he felt lost. What could he do to help Ryuuichi? He couldn't make the voice go away, nor stop the singer from blacking out.

All he could do was make Ryuu stay in the hospital, to get the treatment the singer seemed to need. But…his friend never liked staying in the hospital for more than a few days, they scared him—and he always left on his own as soon as he was able.

"Ryuu, I want to help you, but I don't know how. You should have told me about these blackouts and voice before; I would have made sure you received the treatment you needed."

Tears welling in his eyes, the NG president sighed and sat on the seat next to Ryuuichi's bed, lost in thoughts of how to help his friend.

**A/N: I had to change the POV for a little bit to tell more of the story, first person POV is so limiting, but I like it, so I'm gonna continue to use that for the main POV.**

**Anyway, it looks like I'm setting things up for a Tohma/Ryuuichi relationship to blossom, hee hee, but I'm not sure if I will go far with it since I never really thought about it before. What do you think? Please review, reviews can inspire me when my muse won't, so please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Memories Consume:**

**Chapter three:**

Ryuuichi's POV: Dream Sequence: This is Ryuuichi's dream sequence as he remembers his past, so if it doesn't flow logically that's why.

_In a room with dark walls, windows painted black, and various articles scattered about, I stood, muttering to myself._

"_He's late, he better get here soon or he'll have to wait until another day." I stepped over to the bed, fresh black sheets, pillows a deep auburn, and lied down. "I can't afford to forfeit the money though…"_

_Getting bored, I put on some music, trying not to think of the man I was waiting for. Instead I focused on the room—the aura was cold, uninviting, though it wasn't supposed to be—not for living in anyway._

_A knock on the door attracted my attention, and I stopped the music before I opened it._

"_You're late again." I sighed when I saw who it was—a man dressed in black with shoulder-length, white blond hair and deep brown eyes._

"_Hey, I'm not as late as I usually am, so don't grimace—I like it better when you smile."_

_Seeing his disapproving smirk and his hand stopping as it went to his pocket, I smiled, making sure to narrow my eyes in the expression he went crazy for._

"_That's my 'Chi-chan." He purred and leaned down to my neck._

Things blurred at that moment and I found myself in a different room, surrounded by bright colors that had grown dreary over years of neglect.

I heard shouts coming from outside the door, vicious words exchanged by two people oblivious to everything around them.

'_Mom, dad, please stop yelling, you'll wake the baby.' _I don't know if I whispered that or only thought it—not that it mattered, no one would listen even if they heard it. Sighing, I walked over to the makeshift crib where my little sister slept, trying all I could to make sure she didn't awake.

The last thing I needed was her cries drawing our parents' attention into the room. They didn't like being interrupted when arguing, I learned that lesson early on in life. A lesson my sister had yet to learn, a lesson I refused to have her suffer through if I could help it.

While I rocked her makeshift crib, I heard the voices become louder, then some sharp thuds and slaps; I cringed at each sound, wanting to run out and stop them from fighting, but needing to stay by my sister and protect her.

"Ryuuichi! Get out here, brat!" My father's gruff voice broke the silence after the last thud sound.

Shaking I hurried to the door and into the hallway where I saw my mother sitting on the floor sobbing, her face hidden from my view.

"Mother!" I made for her, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

"Get over here, brat. That bitch can take care of herself."

"But, father, please…."

"I said get over here." My father grabbed me and pulled me down the hall.

"What?" I recognized the look on his face, the room he was bringing me to and blanched. "No! No! Father, please! NO!"

The sting of him striking my face silenced my protests, and he dragged me the rest of the way in silence—quiet tears running down my face.'

End dream sequence 

Once again everything blurred, this time fading to black as I heard someone call my name and touch me gently on the cheek.

"Ryuuichi, time to wake up. I got a surprise for you." Tohma chirped, holding back the sadness I knew was there.

Still dazed from my dream, I glanced quickly to the window, squinting my eyes at the bright light shining through.

"It's morning. You've been asleep since after I left yesterday." Tohma placed a food tray on the table next to my bed, his false smile on his lips.

"I'm not hungry, Tohma." I looked away from him and the food—truthfully, I was hungry, I was always hungry, but I didn't have an appetite. I also couldn't stand looking at that false smile.

"Ryuuichi, what's wrong? You're usually always excited in the mornings, even the mornings after you…after these episodes."

"I don't want to talk about it, Tohma."

"Ryuu, if you don't talk about it, you'll never get better."

"Like you care." I couldn't help but mumble, bitter in the aftermath of the dream.

"What? Ryuu! Of course I care! You're my best friend; I'll do anything for you. Don't doubt our friendship ever."

"Then why are you giving me a false smile? Why are you hiding behind your mask?"

"Ryuu…." For once his trademark smile faltered, and he looked lost. "I…I don't know what else to do, Ryuu." His eyes softened and he looked like he would cry.

"Tohma! I'm sorry; I don't mean to make you sad. I should deal with my problems alone so you can be happy." I quickly repent my coldness, surprising myself at how easy it was to project my naïve selfless persona even when I felt miserable.

"No, I'm not leaving you, Ryuu. I'm going to make sure you get the help you need." Tohma serious tone surprised me with its suddenness. "I refuse to act like I did those other times—"

"But Tohma…."

"Ryuu, I can't stop thinking about what would've happened if I didn't get to you when I did. You got so close to dying, Ryuu…I can't…." Tears fell from my friend's eyes, his lips trembling. "I can't hope things will get better on their own anymore. I can't…."

"Tohma," I took a shuddering breath, on the verge of crying myself at seeing my friend suffering so. "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want this to happen again, I don't…please, don't cry, I don't want to see you cry."

"Ryuuichi."

'_If you don't want to see him cry, then why do you insist on living in your lies?'_ The voice suddenly reared up, no longer silent. '_Why don't you confess, and live the way you used to?_

'Stop it. I don't want to listen to you anymore.'

'_After all the times I helped you in life, this is how you treat me? I allowed you the freedom of not remembering what that man did to you. Don't you remember that? I allowed you to block what he did out, allowed you as normal a childhood as you could've had.'_

'I don't want to hear about that, please.'

'_You need to though; you've been living too long in your lies. You need to admit the truth, now; you need to admit what you were.'_

'Stop it, I don't want to. I'm not…I never was…Shut up.'

'_You were, admit it, you were a wh…'_

'SHUT UP!' I almost shouted aloud, thrashing about as Tohma tried to calm me down. His face fearful, arms trembling.

"Ryuuichi, god." Tohma took a deep breath after I settled down. "It was that voice again, wasn't it? You zoned out again."

"Yes." My eyes were sore from the tears falling from them, my lips quivering from fear of my own helplessness. "I don't want…I need Kumagoro…Tohma…."

"I guess I should show you your surprise then." Tohma reached down into a bag I hadn't realized he brought. "I had K fix him up for you after I left yesterday." He handed me Kumagoro, neatly stitched up and newly washed. "I knew you would accept a new one—you've had this one for so long…."

I took the plushie from him, my lips quivering more as I studied the stitches so carefully applied to Kumagoro's arms, left ear, across his stomach. 'God, did I really hurt Kumagoro-chan?'

"Kumagoro, I'm sorry. I hurt you. I'm sorry, na no da." I hugged my plushie friend, kissing him on the head, behind his ears.

'_You should tell him.'_

"What? Kumagoro…." I knew the voice wasn't Kumagoro's but it wasn't like the voice from earlier. It was kinder.

'_You need to tell him. He'll understand better if you tell him.'_

"But…."

'_You shouldn't keep secrets from friends, tell him.'_

"I…Kumagoro…." I sighed and turned to Tohma, who looked at me curiously. "Kumagoro says I should tell you more."

"More what, Ryuuichi?"

"More about my past…before I met you and Noriko."

"Kumagoro has always given you good advice, Ryuu-chan. So you should follow it."

"Okay…."

**A/N: End chapter—my longest so far according to the word count on my computer. I'm sure that dream sequence showed enough clues to know what Ryuuichi's life was like, at least a little bit, before he met Tohma. Please read and review.**

**Stats for story(before posting this chapter): 2183words, 2chapters, 2reviews, 92hits, 1alert.**


	4. Chapter 4

Memories Consume:

Chapter four:

Ryuuichi's POV:

"The first thing you should know is that my real-family name isn't Sakuma." I said, staring into Tohma's pale eyes, searching for acceptance. "I was adopted when I was sixteen by a foster family I was living with."

Tohma stared into my eyes and held onto my hand, I could see the surprise he felt through his subtle actions—how he breathed in, the slight widening of his eyes. I knew he was surprised though he tried to hide behind his façade again.

"What…what happened to your real family, Ryuu?"

"They died…when I was twelve…." I felt tears fill my eyes as I remembered that day.

"I'm sorry, Ryuu. I…losing your family, I can't think how terrible it could be…."

"Thank you, Tohma. I'd rather you just listen though, while I talk…I…."

"All right, Ryuu. Continue, I'll remain quiet."

Shuddering I drew a breath and released it, holding dearly onto Kumagoro.

"My family…I…wasn't really sad to lose them—I…my sister I miss terribly, but my parents…."

My father's image filled my head, overwhelming my thoughts as I struggled to continue.

'_You'll really gonna tell him? You really think he will not judge you once he knows?'_ The dreaded voice spoke up again, though this time I focused on Kumagoro instead.

Even as the image of the house I lived in during the first twelve years of my life overwhelmed my mental senses, I focused on Kumagoro—on the comfort he brought to me as the memories flooded back. I decided to tell Tohma about each memory as it appeared to me, regardless of the order the events occurred in life.

'_That day, the day the fire happened that took my family from me, started calmly—at least calm for my family. There was shouting, cussing—but no hitting, thankfully—and my sister slept soundly in her crib throughout it all._

_The sunlight shining barely through the grime of the dirty windows of my room, I read by the feeble light—I could've turned on the lamp plugged into the wall, but if my father or mother saw the light on during day I would've at least get grounded. We didn't have money to spend on such luxury._

_Even the bathes we took were scarce—only once a week, if father allowed it. And the laundry was the same—one day a week, and we didn't have a machine to wash it, all the washing was by hand. I hated laundry day for the work, but I longed for having clean clothes._

_I remember how all the kids in school teased me about what I wore—which I never got to pick out what my parents bought, if they bought me clothes at all. Usually they got the clothes from kind neighbors, or relatives—every article secondhand with holes and stains already on it._

_I hummed as I read, not knowing any songs well enough to sing lyrics to, not that it mattered, I barely registered humming as I was so lost in the book. I didn't even hear when my father got home, though I knew he must've been loud from all the damage he did to the house._

"_Ryuuichi!" His voice bellowed through my thoughts finally, startling me almost to tears—I could hear his anger in his tone, fear whelming up from knowing that he probably called me a few times before I heard. "RYUUICHI!"_

"_I'm comin, Father." I hurried out the room and down the hall, shaking in fear as my face turned red—from embarrassment over my words. I hated saying those words—they were the words he made me say when he...took me into his room and…._

_Unconsciously I shuddered, tears threatening to fall though I held them back—father never liked tears, never liked seeing them on my face except when…_

_Again I tried not to think of it, and instead ran to where my father stood ready to shout for me again. When I reached him I trembled visibly, for some reason more afraid now than ever—something hinted to me that things weren't all right—something was amiss._

_I tried to shake it off but couldn't, I tried to tell myself the fear was groundless—unexplainable and false, but I couldn't stop worrying._

_I was about two steps away from him when I saw the gun in his hand—that sickening fear whelmed through me that second, quelling my automatic compliance to father's call._

_Trembling more, I rushed away from him, thankful that he hadn't seemed to see me…_

I broke off here, tears flowing down my face as I looked at Tohma, trembling as I remembered my fear. The terror I felt had been so real, I reacted to it on instinct—and I hid from the world around me in the crawl space that used to be a ventilation system in my room.

"I remained hidden, even when I heard father shouting, things crashing, breaking." I closed my eyes and held Kumagoro closer, taking in a deep breath before speaking again. "I stood hidden even when I heard the gun go off…I just froze then and…about fifteen minutes later I smelled smoke."

"Ryuu…I…."

"I just can't help wondering if I could've…if I had tried…I could've saved my sister, but I couldn't…I was too frightened…Tohma…."

"It's okay Ryuu…you were a child, no one could expect you to be brave to…."

"But I'm the only one who ever looked after her…I cared for her the most…and I left her in the house when I escaped through the ventilation space to the outside."

I felt warm tears fall down my cheeks, and I couldn't say anything more about that day…I could feel the voice threaten to overpower me again and I knew I wouldn't be able to resist it.

"Ryuu, you can rest for a few minutes if you want…calm down and stuff…."

"Thanks Tohma." I nodded and kissed Kumagoro's forehead.

**A/N: End chapter, (Couldn't figure out a good way to end the chapter, but I wanted to post the chapter soon, so you're stuck with this abrupt end to the chapter…it will probably be a while before I update again since I am focusing on my fic Generations and I barely have time to type more to that because of my job).**


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